a little outta place

(the title reading "outta" instead of "out of" should give some clue where i'm going with this)

ahh los angeles, land of the short skirt + uggs - panties. seriously girls (clearly not ladies), over covering one body part does not make up for lack of coverage on another.

some odd number days ago was the premiere of machine gun preacher. i walked my 1st red carpet (that's my head sticking out on the left of tiffs' 3rd pic. i'm actually trying to see the silna fam waiting on the other end, not staring at my "famous" friend). 3rd on the right i wore my less tight go to dress i'd bought for the sag awards after party months ago.  need i say that tiffs' dress was more in keeping with the standard for the evening. i looked like a jehovahs witness next to her.

now i suppose i could have opted for the tighter lbd i got last year but, i just started working out again and it was not fitting in the ways i needed it to. on top of that, i'm not a tight fitting dress kind of girl. aside from the fact that it hides nothing, it doesn't quite fit my natural body shape. and here begins the difference between the east and west.

on the west coast, it's not about dressing for your body type, keeping certain parts covered or being able to manuver effortlessly around a party. the west coast embraces anything a kardashian wears (seriously, bandage dress? i remember when bandages were for sprained ankles and mummies), heels so high and thin your legs wobble when you walk (i'm starting to believe lohan isn't drunk, it's the shoes) and constantly adjusting your dress when transitioning from seated to standing.

(now, while i am not in favor of leaving your panties at home but i can tell you the curbs in la are stupidly high. getting out of a sedan requires stepping up and even i dread wearing an open bottom. however, you should have learned after the 1st time so, put some panties on)

as i sat at our outside table at the fabulous chateau marmont, i people watched more than anything. there was tiff in that queen of heart dress, her friend tammy (like the movie, hand to god) in a tiny silver sequin one shoulder boob shelf dress and about 20 other girls in some variation of the same. as i see these prom dress meets club wear girls flitting about, i notice the sheer effort it is taking to stay looking..umm...polished? tugging down here, pulling up there, twisting back in place, trying not to get a heel stuck in the cobblestone walkway all the while trying to hold on to that cocktail whose ice is rapidly melting and dripping down your dress. it must be exhausting. if only they knew what we east coasters do.

one of the great advantages of a slip and panty hose is they slide against each other, putting your dress right without all the tugging. it is not attractive to be tugging at yourself and in most cases makes you look like you bought the dress a size too small hoping it would fit one day, today is not that day. who cares if you're a size 8 and want to say you're a size 6, cut the tag out, no one will know. buy a dress that fits. same goes for the boney little model things with only side nipple showing, tape em in honey!

look ahead where you're walking. the brain is an amazing thing. ever been in a room with a floor covered in mess carrying a box? one look at the room and your brain remembers where the empty patches of carpet are for you to step on. look out for those cracks in the cobblestone, and if you can't, don't buy 6" louboutins. a man would rather you walk a straight line than be sky high and wobbly. and besides, nothing is more disrespectful to a designer than wearing their designs poorly. i'm looking at you lindsay.

lord knows these la girls can't drink. i mean how much can you possibly drink after only eating half a grapefruit all day. order a cocktail with more mixers than booze and don't try to make it last all night. also, grab a napkin. if the waitress forgets, you ask for one cause chances are that drip down the side is landing right in your crotch area, how attractive.

so after first feeling like the weed in the rose garden, i was able to happily judge others and feel a little better about myself. i'm not so concerned being outta place, looking more debutante than celebutane, especially when my date prefers the way i dress anyways.

yes, the east coast girls are classier then the west coast girls, but the west can be a little more entertaining. bless their hearts, they only have reality stars to look up to, we have the upper east side.